Dealing with conflicts in marriages (Daily Graphic, 09/11/08. Gender & Children’s Page

Article: Salome Donkor
Marriage is about love, pleasure, commitment, understanding and excitement. Life is a bed of roses at the beginning of married life, irrespective of whether it resulted from a love affair or is an arranged marriage.
One begins to notice the subtle changes when the first baby arrives. Marital satisfaction among some couples hits a new low with the arrival of a baby, but it is necessary for couples to understand that this is a normal development that most couples go through and just hang on till it passes.
It is not as if all successful marriages are perfect marriages. Like all other human institutions, conflicts and disagreements are all part of any marriage. A successful marriage is often an indicator of how correctly the couple have handled their conflicts. Everything hinges on how well these conflicts are handled and how soon one is able to solve issues without allowing them to escalate.
A few examples of some recent media reports demonstrate that misunderstandings in marriages and relationships can degenerate into bloody conflicts if not properly handled with care and compassion.
A report in the August 16 edition of the Ghanaian Times said Saul Kofi Campbell, also known as Kofi Carpenter, a coffin-maker, went to the house of his girlfriend, Serbian Amoh, 32, who decided to end their two-year-old relationship and woke her up from sleep under the pretext of discussing an important issue with her. Sabina, a seamstress, was found dead in a pool of blood at a refuse dump.
On August 29, the Daily Graphic carried another chilling story resulting from a marital feud between a woman and her husband.
Ekua Tawiah, the woman who set herself and family ablaze, killing her husband and seven-year-old son, was reported to have refused food and medicine at the Effia-Nkwanta Regional Hospital where she later died after her admission.
The report further indicated that co-tenants revealed that the couple had serious disagreements in the past few months and indeed, just before his death at the hospital, John Mesu, Ekua’s husband, confirmed this to a reporter but said he did not anticipate the action from his wife.
On Saturday August 30, 2008, an Accra Daily published that a man had allegedly killed his wife because he was suspicion of the calls she had been getting on her mobile telephone.
Kofi Mensah, a palm wine tapper, allegedly cut the throat of his wife, Janet Afu, 35, with a cutlass on their farm and then committed suicide by hanging.
The incident happened at Praso, near Tanoodumase in the Atwima-Mponua District of Ashanti Region. The police said the couple had been married for about seven years and had been having some misunderstanding for some time now following Mensah’s suspicion that Janet had been having extra-marital affairs.
One can go on enumerating horrific examples of conflicts in marriages and other relationships that have turned bloody leading to the injury or death of a spouse.
‘Real love in Marriage’, an online journal, identifies the issue of low sex drive verses high sex drive among couples and the tendency of some spouses not to forgive each other, as some of the possible causes of conflicts in marriage.
It also says the root cause of most disagreements leading to a divorce is the desire by a partner in a relationship to show authority, which can cloud a person's judgement so badly that it leads him/her to make irrational decisions which he/she might otherwise not have made.
Conflicts in marriages can result in bitterness that causes pain or grief, such as bitter remarks or the actions of bitter enemies.
Health experts say that most of the problems that cause mental illness in women include depression, anxiety, sexual abuse and abuses that occur in relationships or marriages.
A marriage counsellor and resident Pastor of the Atomic Hills Estate Presbyterian Church, Reverend Dei Awuku, said two issues need to be considered when discussing conflicts in marriages.
He said there are some husbands who for several years stomach a whole lot of problems they encounter in their marriages, because they think that their peers will taunt them when they discuss their marital problems with them.
When they can no longer contain the situation, there is an explosion.
He also said lack of communication among marriage couples also results in conflicts which are difficult to handle.
He stressed the need to make counselling services available to would-be, as well as married couples, who are both in religious marriages and under customary marriage to enhance understanding and peaceful resolution of conflicts in marriages.
Dr Rose Mensah-Kutin, Convenor of the Network for Women’s Rights in Ghana (NETRIGHT), said over the years, because most societies are structured in a patriarchal way, women were trained right from infancy to acquire certain attributes to be a good wife, while husbands were regarded as superior to their wives because they were perceived as the main breadwinners.
She said with education and societal changes, some women are performing roles that used to be performed by their husbands and the notion that men are the sole breadwinner is no longer tenable, consequently, some men feel threatened.
Dr Mensah-Kutin, who is also the African Regional Co-ordinator of ABANTU for Development, said there was the need for married couples to recognise these societal changes and integrate the new things happening in the society into their marriages, while wives also need to help their husbands overcome their chauvinism in order to live in peace.
Mrs Gifty Afenyi-Dadzie, a Member of the Council of State and the National Prayer Director of Women’s Aglow International, said the rampant conflicts in some marriages indicate that “ the Agape love as enumerated in the Bible is missing in relationships”.
She said First Corinthians Chapter 13 says love is patient and kind and keeps no record of wrongs, “but most of us keep records of the wrongs in our relationships and we don’t forgive one another”.
She also said love protects and trusts and it behoves people in relationships to protect and trust one another.
She advised partners to engage in dialogue and persevere when there are problems and practicalise what God says about love.
Another online journal, ‘The Women’s News’, has some tips on dealing with the situation.
It advises couples never to allow what begins as an argument to become a major disagreement and try to solve the problem when it is still at the first stage.
It is not as if every argument or issue can be amicably solved. In fact, some issues may never be resolved even over a period of time – some of the common ones being in-law problems, money and even issues involving the kids. Learning to live with the differences and adjusting to each other will help bind the marriage.
Simple skills when practised regularly can help to stabilise your marriage. Share whatever you like and appreciate about your partner. Learn to share all your hopes and dreams and make him part of your life in every sense. Discuss any changes in plans and situations and keep him in the loop always.
Never let misunderstandings fester or suspicions linger unnecessarily. Clear up the air as soon as possible. If there is something you don’t like, be open and tell him about how you would like to have it done instead of just criticising him.
Fortunately, the cause of conflict in marriage is not a mystery. Couples all over the world are applying the principles of Real Love and discovering a level of happiness they had never before thought possible.